Okay, it’s the winter solstice! Therefore, by the time I got up, I’m pretty sure the sun was already going down. Okay, time for everyone who doesn’t care (about either me or K pop idols) to stop reading. Please.
This morning and last night, the first thing I did when I woke up was starting to watch monologues (Super Junior). It’s surprisingly touching, and I really love it. So, today, I shall share my own candid thoughts with you. Usually, I’m the kind of person to stay away from anything touching, whether it’s in a clip, or a movie, or even in writing. It makes me feel things that I do not want to feel, it makes me unhappy or it makes me regret things that I have done. It makes me realize that I’m not as wonderful as I might like to think that I am, and that I should try harder. It touches me in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable, makes me realize that I should be a different person.
I actually really enjoy that they’re saying. It makes them seem oddly human – usually when an idol is stuck in an “idol” appearance, their fans will not forgive them as easily for human mistakes. When they manage to stay humble, they’ll always have fans to be the wind beneath their wings. I suppose it never occurred to me how important fans are – I guess I’ve always viewed them as people who got in the way of their privacy: but it’s good they think differently, that they appreciate the people who have made them as popular as they are now. I wonder if they really believe that way, or they’re saying that for good PR. I suppose no one will ever know, but it’s nice to think that obsessions for them are appreciated and viewed as a necessary thing.
It’s interesting to see their individual personalities. I feel weird saying this because I’ve only watched clips of them (from two to three years ago, no less), but I feel like they do a good job conveying themselves to their viewers. Perhaps it’s all constructed and preplanned, but even so, it’s very convincing. They’re good actors then. I think it’s a really good marketing move to have done those “candid moments”, personal 1:1 interviews, because it not only gives each of them more air time, but it also allows them to seem more multi-faceted. I’m not sure how much I believe that these are their real personalities… but I suppose it could be. I could believe it. I’m cynical. Sue me. But I support all of the groups that I like. Call me fickle, but I think that what each of them is doing is extremely admirable, and even if it means that I’m an obsessive fangirl, then so be it. Perhaps some of them will appreciate that I really admire them, and like they said, as a whole (with the rest of the fans in the world) give them reason to strive for higher. It’s always nice to know that you’re appreciated. And I know I won’t make a difference as one person, but it makes me feel better on the inside that I’m able to provide a tiny bit a support. Just like if I buy a single stock of a company, I know that I want able to help them grow and fund them, even though my single stock would be inconsequential and hold no power over the enterprise as a whole. My love for K pop idols is something for my heart, as well as lending my own tiny bit of support to them. I’m very naïve for thinking so, but it’s okay. I’ll accept naïve for now.
It’s times like this that make me think that people are good, and that the world is good, and not just full of hatred, jealousy, anger, and all those negative feelings. The world is cold and harsh, true, and I have to be just as cold and harsh to be able to survive. Whoever said good guys end up on top is not completely correct. Of course, if you’re a criminal, you’re going to most likely get caught and then that would suck for you. But purely selfless people won’t end up on top. People with drive, with selfishness, but are able to project a good appearance, whether fake or not, will end up on top. The selfishness has a limit though… it’s remedied by the good outward appearance. But you have you desire things for yourself, and have the will to obtain it for yourself. No one out there will help you purely for beneficial reasons, they will help you because it might help themselves. Therefore, the only person you can truly rely on is yourself. Keep yourself humble, head down, and charge toward your goal. When you reach your goal, make sure to take some time to celebrate your success, but quickly thereafter, make sure to set a new one that’s even higher. It doesn’t matter if your dream is unfeasible as long as you are willing to realize that dreams mostly never come true. But having a goal there, a dream there, hanging above your head might be enough to keep you going.
Even though I say this, I still depend greatly on others. It’s something that I’m really working to remedy. In this world, there is no such thing as unconditional and everlasting friendship. It will always end. And when it ends, will I be ready? No. I won’t. I’m not saying that I should cut all emotional ties with people – that would be bad. But I suppose I should be ready at any moment to cut emotional ties. When my friends drift away, I need to be ready for that moment. That’s not to say that I should drift away from them first – I love them dearly and really do not hope they drift away from me, but I should understand that no one will be there for me forever. Only I will. And so I must put more confidence in myself, and be able to handle the world by myself. Although I may want people, I need to make it so that I don’t need them. I need to make it so that the only person that I truly need to survive is myself.
I sound horribly cold, and potentially naïve, don’t I? I’ve thought about it a lot. It’s not like I’m saying that I’m going to become a recluse, or simply just reject anyone’s help or advice. I’m just saying that I shouldn’t become dependent on it – I know that I have been on more than one occasion, and it’s really painful to rip myself away. I’m glad that I have though. I need to have more confidence in myself and my own abilities – not to say to become arrogant. But to develop myself instead of just relying on others. I will work hard, maybe. I know my own personality, and I’m not the type to work that hard on my personality. I tend to realize that it’s hard, and develop a certain complacency and contentment for who I am already. I know it’s important to love who you are, but if I fall into complacency, I’ll never grow. I want to become the best person I could possibly be.
I really value my friends though. Right now, they’re an indispensible part of my life. Not saying that they should be dispensable. But if at any moment they were to leave, I’d like to know that I am capable on standing on my own two feet.
I hope that if anyone read to this point, they enjoyed my open and honest thoughts. Thank you.
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