Hi, I Hate You

So this is inspired by “Picture to Burn”, which is the song that Inx and I were singing in downtown Bellevue. It was kind of super epic and absolutely awesome. J

***

Hi, I hate you. I hate you very much. In fact, if you didn’t exist, my world would be so much better. You. You are the reason I cannot have nice things. You are the reason I get little sleep. You are the reason that my life isn’t perfect. Feel bad yet? You should.

I will whine, yell, and scream at you. About every last little thing, because you deserve it. I hate you. I’ll hate you forever; I can’t wait until you’re out of my life. You realize that I don’t actually care about you right? Oh, but that doesn’t matter. Whether I care or not is not the matter at hand. The matter is that I’m rather miserable and it is all your fault. Yup. Your fault.

So think badly of me for writing this. Go ahead, I don’t care.  It’s not like you thought highly of me in the first place. I will not longer be afraid of what you think of me. I will no longer censor my statements, or be worried that you will get mad at me. Get mad at me. I’ll watch you react to the things that I do, I’ll make you react, I’ll force myself into your head and make you regret everything you’ve ever done to me.  You’ll regret that you ever let me go, you’ll regret everything you did wrong, you’ll regret shattering my heart into a million pieces.

So have fun with your silly little life, and I’ll continue with mine. But just know that you, you’re the one who made me this way. I’ll hate you forever, and don’t you ever forget that.

***

WHEEEEEEEEE. That was insanely fun to write. And even if I’m not actually that angry, it’s fun to write angrily! It’s terrible though. When I’m writing this, my conscience is going “you’re not being fair” and “that’s not actually true” and “what a horrible thing to say!” So inherently, I am not an angry/unfair person, unfortunately (oops, this can definitely be contested). I hope that doesn’t show through, and I wrote a believable angry rant!

Haha, I feel slightly delirious J

Flashback

Rose Emily sat at the little vanity table in the corner of her bedroom next to a window that faced the beach.  She ran her perfectly manicured nails across the smooth ivory-white surface of the counter. She sat up straight in the matching ivory chair with plush plum velvet and leaned toward the mirror. Expensive, fashionable bottles of cosmetics lined the edges of her desk, all placed neatly in order. Narrowing her eyes, she scrutinized every centimeter of her skin, every pore, every potential blemish, every possible freckle. Heaving a sigh, she pulled the little extendible magnifying mirror close to her face, and began the ritual of poking and prodding at herself until there wasn’t a single hair out of place.

She delicately pulled out a pair of shiny silver tweezers with rose embellishment carved into the grips from the wooden drawer. Her hands curved around the ice-cold iron-wrought handle, and felt the freezing sensation creep into her body. She noticed a rather thick black hair around her eyelid, and fastened the metal instrument on them. After a fierce tug, the ugly blemish came out, and she returned to observing her face. Suddenly, she noticed a little droplet of blood welling from where the hair used to be. Frowning at this turn of events, she took a cotton puff and gently pressed it to her brow. As she wiped off the remnants of the blood, she was distinctly struck by a sense of déjà -vu, from back when she was many years younger…

***

A popular love song was playing through the speakers of her white stereo system as Rose looked at herself through a portable mirror standing on her desk. She had a wide array of makeup that she had just gotten from the local drugstore. She looked at her face and tried to smile cutely. No, not good enough! She shook her head, and began the task of learning how to become attractive… all for the sake of that boy. He’s so beautiful! She giggled happily just thinking of him. Rose was head over heels in love for the very first time at the young age of sixteen. She looked at her face, and didn’t really notice anything. She already had sharp features and a head of flowing blonde locks, but mostly just looked plain in her opinion. She stared into the mirror and suddenly her eyebrows seemed to be ridiculously thick, like creeping sand-colored caterpillars. She rummaged around her desk for a pair of tweezers, and began plucking. With the first jerking movement, her eyes filled up with tears. She looked through a watery scape to notice the crimson bead welling from where she plucked the hair. Wincing in pain, she grabbed a tissue and dabbed it away. Why must this be so painful? She breathed in and out. No, I must continue. And so, Rose sat painstakingly there for hours shaping and perfecting her face, all for this boy…

Weeks went by as he paid no attention to her. She blossomed from a bud into a full blown rose, yet he still paid her no attention. More time inched past, as she became more and more frustrated with this lack of development. He wouldn’t even glance at her. Other boys would look and stare, making her flustered and flattered at the same time. But he, the one who was most important to her, he, with the piercing green eyes, wouldn’t even give her the time of day, wouldn’t grace his soulful gaze on her. For some reason unknown to Rose Emily, the girls who used to give her supporting advice and company wouldn’t talk to her either anymore. They all shot her murderous glances as she walked through the door, ignoring her when she tried to talk to them.

Heartbroken and frustrated at the world, she threw herself toward the only people that actually gave her company. She smiled and flirted to keep the only human interaction she had, finding that they would bend over backwards to please her. She spun a spell of allurement pulling all those who came close to her deep within the recesses of a lovelorn abyss – all except the one boy she ever cared about, the boy with beautiful emerald eyes.

***

With the last swipe of her brush, she looked at herself. I am beautiful, she whispered at the enchanting figure staring back at her. I am capable, she thought. And I’ll prove it. Just watch me.

Thank you for making me smile

                Zzzzzzz! She jumped, still not used to her new phone and it’s ridiculously intense vibration setting. Of course, she could turn it off vibration, but the ringing noise is even more upsetting. Ping, ping, ping. With every letter she types, it makes the most obnoxious noise in the universe. Sigh. Why is everything out to annoy her? She ran her fingers through her brown-black locks, and blew of an exasperated breath. Who was it this time?

                She reached over and grabbed her phone. “If anything, it means that I don’t want you to change because you’re already pretty amazing.” An embarrassed smile broke the annoyed expression on her face as she read the message over and over again. Her cheeks tinged pink as she closed her eyes with a happy smile, feeling completely flattered. He really knew how to make her day better, didn’t he? Even after all the paperwork, the stress, and the insecurities, they were all wiped away with that little message telling her that someone appreciated her. Someone thought that she was amazing. Well does he leave a little note to tell you, you are on his mind? Enchanted songs and Disney birds chirped through her head for a moment as she savored the attention.

                She might have the best friends in the world. Even if she doesn’t have a prince charming, even if her love shattered her heart into a million little pieces, she always knew that she would have open arms to run into and cry. Arms that would hold her close as she spilled from the depths of her heart the secrets and heartaches, compassionate ears that would listen and nod understandingly. Smiling one last time, she put down the phone. Thank you, she thought.

                Turning her attention back to the monotonous application, she typed with her heart just a little bit warmer, her mood a little bit lighter.

End note: thank you (insert name here), for making me smile when I was feeling down. Thank you for making my heart ache a little less, thank you for making me smile a little more. You’re fabulous, and I wouldn’t give you up for the world.