Your Smile

That scowl is the bane of my existence. No matter what, no matter how happy you are, you will frown at me. I will see your brilliant smile when you’re with the select few you love and cherish, and try to catch your attention. Say hi. Call your name. Try something witty. Anything, everything! Your grin wavers, and curves into your signature scowl. What do you want? Your stormy eyes glare daggers. I want you to smile at me. I want to see that expression, yes, that one, where your eyes glitter with amusement and you toss your head back in laughter. That bemused expression where you seem to be hiding the secrets of the world in your soul, just waiting to be shared. You always seem so exclusive: you don’t trust easily, and generally hostile toward those who attempt to get near you. For those who have broken down your walls, you keep them near and dear but closely patch the hole from where they entered. I hate that frown! Why won’t you accept me?

                You wait expectantly with your glowering expression as you wait for my next move, while I was lost in my silent speech to you. I hesitate at the caustic words, the angry eyes, but quickly I catch myself. I giggle a bit, and pretend that it was nothing; I just wanted to “bother you”. You roll your emerald eyes and turn your back on me, never once letting go of your frown. I keep smiling, shrug with an indifferent expression, and I go back to whatever I was doing before. Smiles are my armor; betraying pain is a sign of weakness. I focus on spreading my positive expression to my eyes, which are unfortunately clean and transparent windows to my soul; it’s high time to install some blinds. After all, people who laugh carelessly are never looked at too deeply. I can hide, camouflage: those who have the biggest laughs can also hide the darkest secrets.

                Why are you the one that’s making me this way? It seems strange that you of all people would cause me to be like this – you were at the corner of my consciousness, but suddenly you leapt into the spotlight. Almost every second, I watch what you do. I notice your gestures, your habits; your likes, your dislikes (besides me); and all of this as discreetly as possible. Momentary curiosity warped into obsessive desire – I need it, I want it, like an insatiable addiction. You smirk behind your barrier, taunting me with your closeness with those you love. I could turn away, I could fly away with incandescent wings like the transient being I am. I could seek what I want in others; I could search and find the same smile within welcoming arms.

                Maybe it’s the challenge. Maybe it’s the fact that it’s possible to tear down that daunting wall, and the fact that I can’t do it drives me crazy. Maybe it’s just that I want to be special to you, to be exclusive. I like being special; I like warm smiles that greet me everywhere I turn. I will reach out, and spread myself like ivy – gripping onto all surfaces, finding a home within everyone’s hearts. But yours – yours is like poison, no matter how much I try to stay, you kill the tendril that extended within your realm. Green like toxin – those are your eyes, and they kill me. Sharp like a blade – that is your mouth as it tosses out insults that cut into my heart. Strange, curious – I’m attracted like a moth to flame, leading to my own demise.

But, like the vine, I’m stubborn and hard to discourage. So I’ll continue staring; I’ll pry at the concrete with my fingers until one day it comes tumbling down. Just you wait and see, I’ll get your smile someday.